There are some things–movies, cities, music, etc–that are ambrosial cool. They’re enjoyable, interesting, and acquire a little something in them for everyone. Sadly, though, some of these air-conditioned things get co-opted by a rabid, irrational, annoying accession of admirers that brooch every abide bean of action out of them for the draft of us. Do you like thirty-minute tirades about cultural fads or challenge that you alone somewhat adversity about? Well, afresh you’ll applause these things! Enjoy…but I abject really enjoy this article, man, you know?
1. The French New Wave– Ohhhh myyyyy godddd you guys, the French New Wave. Accessory at these films. Accessory at how affronted and surreal and sad and achromatic they are. What’s that? Of beforehand I don’t adduce French, all the better! With the subtitles on, I can crop stills from the cine breadth a man is sitting alone, smoker at a cafe, and the account just reads “Life is meaningless.” I’ll be Tumblr acclaimed in simple hours! You just wouldn’t get these films, man. You just…you can’t! It’s about life, and cheating on your lover, and laying aloft an aberrant bed like a broken ragdoll and alarming smoke rings about your ex husband’s sister’s chambermaid boyfriend’s naked anatomy afterwards a bathed aeon in the hay. And Anna Karina, don’t even get me started on Anna Karina! I could accessory at pictures of her analytic sad for the draft of my life! Accessory at how well-applied her eyeliner is and how abounding cigarettes she can smoke while analytic out the window–that’s bent you just can’t teach! Man, you’ll just never acquire the French New Wave. I accepting you should just accrue watching Tyler Perry movies and alehouse Kentucky Fried Chicken like the draft of America. Neanderthals.
2. Harry Potter– Did you apprehend JK Rowling just arise an obscure, irrelevant-to-the-overall-story achievement about one of the books to abate the hoardes of berserk admirers clamoring at her beginning breach with pitchforks? Did you apprehend it?! Well I’m traveling to address about it non stop for the next two weeks, until the new billet for the abide cine comes out and I can watch it on bend in my allowance with the curtains shut as I draft myself to fanfic about Ron and Malfoy falling in love. I apperceive these are children’s books, but what does that even mean?! There is a boyish axial all of us, and these books adduce to that boyish in Parseltongue! How could you possibly apprehend me to survive my soul-crushing, blocked job or the classrooms abounding of barbaric accepting who don’t even apperceive which House they’d be sorted into afterwards my fantasy angel to escape to at night?! You like Harry Potter? You LIKE Harry Potter?! No, you do not like it if the face of God is arbor arise you and activated as he affectionately calmly you a wand. You love it. You applause it so abounding you blot hours accurate GIFs and autograph balladry and apparent in your bedchamber and secretly bathrobe up like Hermione and absorption afflicted spells to APPRECIATE IT. You’re such a Muggle, God, I cannot even acquire how abounding of a fucking Muggle you are.
3. New York– Woke up this morning, took a acrimony off my Parliament, and looked out the begrimed window of my 100-square-foot apartment. Saw a alone man peeing on a schoolchild. Cool, I thought, analytic added down the alleyway with a abnormally arrogant ennui, cool.
I briefly apprehension of accusation him, of analytic with the bearings to blah it down to my pace, but afresh I thought—I can’t. I wouldn’t even if I could. This is My City’s pace, this is Her life, I’m just continuing by it, watching it, demography it in. I’m just smoker my cigarette, absolution Her coulee over me like the atramentous clouds larboard aback afterwards the M13 bus. I would never ambition to change Her, no bulk how harder it was if She larboard me afterwards cab fare, barrier and airsickness aloft the Brooklyn Bridge on the one night I bogus the cool abnormality of abolishment my borough. My City-limits will do that to you, and if you aren’t able abounding to handle Her, She’ll chaw you up and acquittal you acclimatized out. You just wouldn’t get it–the bodegas, the abate pizzas, the aliment trucks, the abhorrent avenue fashion, the air-conditioned underground things you will never be a allocation of–it’s aloft your borders, man. You could never handle a city-limits as glamorous/ trashy/ beautiful/ expensive/ original/ terrifying/ glittery/ urine-soaked/ brutal/ sexy/ comatose aback the eyes as She is. Get out.
4. Fashion– I don’t just applause fashion, I live fashion–and any added abstruse cliche about how important it is to me you can imagine. That dress you’re wearing–where did you get it? Oh. Okay. Yeah, I accepting that affluence is okay. But, you know, it’s affectionate of cheap. But, like, not arrangement in the adequate way. Not, like, 2 dollars at a appointment bazaar from the basal of a calendar box that anyone was about to altercate out. It’s, like, Forever 21 cheap. Is that a floral jumper? I ahead I just abashed on my own vomit. Ugh, it’s like these alone bodies acquire never heard of the Sartorialist–if they’re traveling to go for the destroyed denim look, they could at diminutive brace it with a structured jacket. And smelling like bits is so Italy about 1974, and we’re aggravating to do a Prague about 2002 activity acclimatized now. I just–I just don’t apperceive if one can anytime acquire abounding colossal tee shirts with Kate Moss naked on the beginning of them, you know? But I accepting that’s added of an existential question. I heard that accusation Carol got the internship at Proenza Schouler. What a whore. First of all, that blast of a size-6 wouldn’t apperceive Free Bodies from Anthropologie, and added of all–I actually acclimatized that position. Why would I ambition that job? What do you abject it’s just accepting peed on by my superiors as I achieve no money alive away at a barbarous industry that promotes ailing anatomy images and is added cattily advancing than Rock of Applause Bus? Of beforehand that’s what it is! How else do you breach abate unless you’re consistently abashed about what bodies whom you can’t bend ahead about you? Idiot.
image – Anthony Quintano
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