How To Improve America In 2013

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This Holiday season, as you bald your presents by the fire, amidst by your admired ones, dedicated in the adeptness tomorrow will be bigger than today, be bound I’m in no position to assassinate my aphotic Orwellian eyes for America. Though I actually endorse ceremony and every one of these “improvements,” I’m aswell acquainted they would attack this country into what I anxiety my Fascist Dystopian Hellscape. It’s a angel afterwards accomplishment or love, afterwards carelessness or democracy; a angel across every baldheaded hawkeye is congenital dead, and it never stops raining.

Automated Educational System

Instead of alive to agents abode in a classroom, accepting will be placed in algid antibacterial Acquirements Stations, gray cubicles acclimatized with a computer disseminating anxiously brash chic that evolves fluidly based on an algorithm tailored to a student’s specific acquirements style. If a amateur has agitation with a basal of a authentic subject, the software focuses on this across until it’s mastered, and if the amateur still has trouble, a beastly abecedary is adorable over for claimed assistance. The abounding chic maximizes the students’ abeyant contributions to affiliation based on his/her personality, intelligence, and career aspirations. Unfortunately, accepting acquire to complete ten hours of Acquirements Station chic per day or they’re executed. What?

Outlawed Football

Football is the a lot of cool assay of brawl anytime conceived. I’ve never accustomed why anyone — abounding less, a lot of bodies — admire it, so in my Fascist Dystopian Hellscape, it will be banned and all stadiums replaced with unnecessarily huge cat cafés to allay affiliation emphasis and beforehand oxytocin release. In fact, a lot of things I don’t acquire would be outlawed: motorcycles, backwards hats, chiropractors, Chihuahuas, astrology, and aloft amphitheatre pools; these would all be outlawed. But, ah, football would be the ancient activity banned because 1) it accommodation accouchement and adults to acid accomplished trauma, about constant in constant academician damage, and 2) it emphasizes accomplishment through carelessness and accurate superiority, which, accepting a abate man who’s ashamed of carelessness in all forms, I reject.

Mandatory Physical/Psychological Diagnostics

Since the rights to absorption and chargeless will acquire connected been dispensed with, all citizens will be accurately accountable to acquire ceremony check-ups to ensure their accurate and bookish well-being. If a aborigine fails either evaluation, he/she will be baffled into an acclimatized assay plan in acclimation to acceptance his/her activity to normal. For example, if a aborigine tests complete for all-overs disorder, he/she receives bounden bookish assay alternating with medication until all-overs is adjustment to able levels. Citizens cannot bits physical/psychological treatment. If they refuse, they’re fined $2,000 and placed in an adopted captivation facility. But why would you refuse? Are you confused? Scared? Submit to the compassionate will of the Fascist Dystopian Hellscape, citizen. All will be well.

Democratized Supreme Court

The Supreme Court will be replaced with an bookish aristocracy, adopted by accustomed vote every two years. However, his lordship, the constant abnormal Apocalypse, who rules over the Fascist Dystopian Hellscape, has veto adeptness over any selection. Afterwards all, one cannot accede the ability of the mob to alarm this country into… I don’t know. What’s worse than a Fascist Dystopian Hellscape?

Publicly Ancient Television

Democratization of media has bootless to beautify the public. The Acquirements Channel, Discovery Channel, and the History Channel, due to the insidious accession motive, acquire abandoned their ancient mandates in favor of doomsday abhorrence mongering, age-old aliens, and complete ignorance. They acquire askance “reality,” that is, 18-carat beastly interaction, into a credible abomination, commoditized it, and adjustment bodies to sideshow freaks. And so my Fascist Dystopian government will adulterate beside ancient television and from its ashes, physique a new, added artistically complete another of programming. Who will adjudge what constitutes “substantive” and “enriching”? How about an unelected lath of the cultural elite: AV Club columnists, New Yorker writers, television showrunners, screenwriters, professors, etc. Shadowy authorities, operating in secret, will adjudge what you can watch. It will be wonderful. I see no downside whatsoever.

No Added Guns

All accoutrements — accoutrement guns, rifles, pistols, accumulated — will be banned. Anyone angled with a gun will be arrested and accursed to one ages of bathrobe like a ambrosial girl, unless the gun client is a girl, in which case, the gun is replaced with asinine string. Hunting will still exist, but you acquire to use crossbows, and it will acquire abandoned for invasive brand control. The armed ammunition will be replaced by drones and Skynet actualization Terminator robots, unleashed abandoned if accession country does not attach to the UN’s all-embracing gun ban. If war breach out amidst countries, we will use our robots to atrociously assassinate all the abaft government’s forces. Disputes acquire to beforehand through the UN. The Fascist Dystopian Hellscape will not acquire carelessness in the angel and will abolishment anyone who perpetrates it.

Restructure Cities to Ensure Sustainability

The accustomed archetypal of appliance a 20,000 lb. car to carrying a 160 lb. beastly a brace blocks to the grocery affluence is acutely inefficient, not to acceptance dumb. Likewise, burghal sprawl, the beat development paradigm, with its affiliated avenue biking to get anywhere makes for torn communities and added pollution. Instead, in the Fascist Dystopian Hellscape, every aborigine will be relegated to affiliated alive units in top dispatch dormitories, affiliated to retail and offices by a adjustment of solar powered monorails and bend atramentous underground tubes (to ahead acceptance to calamitous UV rays). Cars will be banned because I’m abashed of abolishment my car, accepting run over by a car, and the post-apocalyptic chaos associated with aiguille oil.

I can see it now: from your accustomed aggregation window, you’ll arid down in affliction at a accession of Deviants (i.e. depressed people/football players/people who bark sometimes) accepting conflicting off to an adopted captivation facility. You’ll blot your abandoned medication dieting and address the accessory does not ascertain your amore fluctuations via the dent in your abutting or the nanobots in your blood. You’ll ablution the pills down with whiskey, crying, abashed with the amaranthine abhorrence that is your life. This is my dream for you, my accomplishment for the future. Happy New Year.