“You accrue animate about the world, and I don’t apperceive what you’re analytic for,” said my anytime exhausted antecedent over feast the added night.
I remained silent, staring down at my barely-eaten Pasta Primavera while aggravating to ahead of some afire response. Couldn’t arise up with anything. Fuck it, that was a fair abounding action for my dad to say. Anytime ashamed I can remember, I acquire been accepting the above action with my parents, friends, boyfriends, and myself.
Them: “Why do you consistently allegation to leave?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Them: “What are you even analytic for?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Them: “When are you advancing back? Are you even advancing back?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
My apperception is consistently animate with thoughts like, “Man, I actually allegation to get out of here. When is the soonest I can leave?” Possible anniversary for why I abashed above the country for college, why I brash away my complete inferior year in two acutely adapted countries, why I blot chichi time and absorption groups secretly analytic up flight prices on SkyScanner. I cannot accustom you how abounding times I deathwatch up in the morning and ask myself, “Why am I not in ________ adapted now?” Fill in the bald with New York, Melbourne, Hong Kong, Seville, San Francisco, Paris, etc. Places I loved. Places I still love. Places I miss. Places that bodies are affronted of audience me address about.
But do I actually applause these places? Would I move there or is it just a artificial fantasy in my head? As Iron & Wine blithely put it, “everything looks complete from far away.” And while they weren’t necessarily applicative to traveling, it is altogether applicable. The adventuresome images of the streets of Paris, the aberration of India, and the address of surfing in the Gold Coast? Tourism at its finest. One action to biking somewhere, and accession to abide there.
Probably safe to say that my addiction to traveling and experiencing new things is my greatest courage and my greatest flaw. I amateur new things, address to strangers, achieve new friends, and accretion some analysis of applause wherever I go. But I can’t sit still, and I acquire agitation affectionate what is adapted in alpha of me. I crop things for granted, and I apperceive that. I’m animate on it. I cannot accustom you how abundantly acquisitive I am of bodies who are adored blockage in one address with the above accession of friends, accomplishing the above things they acquire been accomplishing for years and are altogether adequate with that. I’d abate for that.
Every now and then, I accommodated anyone and think, “This could be it. I could breach achievement and be adored forever. We’ll achieve it plan somehow. It doesn’t bulk that we’re from two adapted countries or adduce two adapted languages.” Then, they’ll absolute me up in their accoutrements and not ambition to let go. But then, eventually, one of us leaves. And it’s usually me. Sometimes not by choice, but because I acquire my action about away to get ashamed to. I feel like I acquire pieces of me advertisement in all the places I’ve been to. You’d ahead aphorism goodbye would get easier, but it doesn’t.
The action is that I don’t apperceive what I’m analytic for. I feel like I was added constant of what it was afore I started traveling. It was simple to apperceive at the beginning. I was affronted of the bodies and places I knew. I was analytic for some arrangement of afflatus for what career alley to pursue. I was hopeful about the Eat Pray Applause phenomenon: go about new, apple-pie yourself spiritually with some admiration that you never actually believed in, abatement in applause with some ex-pat, and afresh you’d acquire your admirable little adored ending. Obviously, it’s not like that. I’ve assured up with added questions than answers, not to acceptance a absolute sad case account.
But even acceptance I’ve never acquainted added lost, I acquire aswell never acquainted added constant of who I am. I apperceive myself bigger than I did before, even if I’m ambiguous of what my abutting will be. I’ve been befuddled into amaranthine afflictive situations, breaking down cultural barriers and acquirements adapted languages. I acquire met backpackers, restaurant owners, pilots, bonfire dancers, students, entrepreneurs, soccer players, and agents from all over the world. Makes adroitness that my ancient alley has been diverted, afterwards accepting empiric so abounding addition ones. Maybe that’s the acceptance to that question. I’m not in actuality analytic for abolishment in particular, but rather exploring all the adapted possibilities for a career and happiness, but ultimately, for life. That’s why I’m never satisfied, because accepting adequate with action isn’t adequate abounding for me. I allegation more; I allegation to be consistently living. And that’s why I can’t stop.
image – TC Flickr
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