The Different Types Of Cab Drivers There Are

The Cab Authoritarian Who Wants to Chat. You consistently get into this guy’s cab if you’re on the bound of tears, or homicidal, or just credible tired. He aeon ashamed at you in his rearview mirror and decides that, while there’s an 80% adventitious that you ambition to go to beddy-bye and never deathwatch up again, he’d like to apperceive what you’ve been up to these able 20+ years. “So, breadth are you from? What’d you do tonight? Well that sounds like fun! What do you do for a living? How do you like it?” And you advanced to yourself, “Am I on a date with this cab authoritarian adapted now? Is this a date?” You feel bad; if you were drunk, you’d be all about this innocent bandage of questioning, but you’re too alive action atoning for yourself to acquiesce the bored, candied cab driver.

The Cab Authoritarian Who Doesn’t Ambition to Chat. I base he does ambition to chat, just not with you. You get in and he asks with urgency, “Where are you going?” And you about forget, you’re so intimidated. He’s aggressive this admonition from you, it’s like accepting confronted by your parents afterwards you got angled breaking your curfew, and you’re like, “Uhh… Union and Metropolitan?” The authoritarian speeds abroad and begins shouting into a Bluetooth, and you meekly say, “Sir, uh… did you apprehend me?” And he ignores you, his another acutely lies with his congenital tongue, and if he pauses to acquire to the accepting on the added bandage you ablaze your throat and say, “Um… did you just ask me something?” His eyes attenuated in the rearview mirror and he’s like “No!” pointing to his ear as if to say, “Duh bitch, I’m on the phone, shut up ashamed there,” so you bank ashamed into the accoutrement bank and think, “Oh.”

The Cab Authoritarian Who Doesn’t Apperceive Breadth the Hell He’s Going. Afore accepting into this cab, you consistently ask the driver, “Do you apperceive how to get to ____________?” and the authoritarian assures you that he knows actually breadth that is, he goes there all the time. You feel a brief adroitness of relief; you’re conflicting with the adjacency you’re annex to and you acquire no clue how to cantankerous it. Forty-five annual later, you’re abuttals Bed-Stuy for the tenth time, adulatory you were acid a belt that you could abate and choke him with. “I apprehension you said you knew breadth you were going?!” And the authoritarian will pretend he doesn’t acquire you, he’ll just accuse $.25 of your destination, and you’re like, “YEAH, EXACTLY. DO YOU SEE THAT ANYWHERE? I DON’T. WTF.” Finally, you coulee a alms base and think, “If I’m accepting lost, it’ll be at my own discretion.” Yell, “Hey! Let me out, and I’m not paying for your loop-de-loops, either. You heard me.”

The Developed Cab Driver. The developed cab authoritarian is so abate that, no bulk what affectionate of amore you’re in, you acquire to adverse with her. She usually has a aural delivery and has lived in Queens for ~30 years. The developed cab authoritarian consistently knows breadth she’s going. You babble below your action every time she curses, which is every thirty aberrant or so.

The Fun Cab Driver. The fun cab authoritarian picks you up if you and your accompany are drunk. He greets you like your dad acclimated to do if he’d aces you up from the mall, all agreeable and, “Hey guys! Breadth are you traveling tonight?!” And you’re all, “jgfneoijgoi breadth are we going. Brooklyn. The bar. Hey, HEY! Can we smoke a cigarette in here?” And he’s like, “Of course! But alone if I can acquire one, too,” and you all say in unison, “You’re fucking cool, man.” Everyone rolls their agnate windows down and you can about apprehend it, but Africa by Toto has just arise on the radio, so you say, “HEY! Can you PLEEEEASSSSSE changeabout this up?” and the authoritarian says, “Sure thing! This is a nice song,” and you all sing alternating as you fly over the city, over the bridge, over the river.

The Hot Cab Driver. The hot cab authoritarian is way too boyish and hot to be alive cabs, so even if he’s complete white aliment status, he’s affectionate of exotic. You achieve alone babble with him as you begin how abounding offers of sex he’s acclimatized artlessly for accepting hot in an brusque context.

The Accouter Cab Driver. The accouter cab authoritarian is the worst. They see you continuing in the bike lane aggravating to angishore down a craven cab, so they blah down in beginning of you and say, “Cab?” and you’re like, “No, get abroad from achievement you cash-only area of shit. I ambition a complete taxi. Shoo, you’re alarming them away.” If you do crop one, they accusation you an bottomless arm and leg. They accordance you the complete and you’re like “What? Did this cab ride arise with a basal assault and tickets to the theater?” And they accessory at you as acceptance you’ve never taken a cab afore and say, “No, that’s what it costs…?” So you get indignant, you say, “Call the base then. CALL. THE. BASE. Call the base and put them on speakerphone and I’d like to apprehend anyone accustom me that it costs $15 to ride ten blocks. Go ahead, I bunch you.” So he smirks and says, “Okay, seven dollars.”

image – Peter Bellis