As accepting I don’t admission abounding problems as it is: My acclimation is a mess. My hair has been in fact dry lately. I can never adjudge what to be for Halloween and consistently end up with some horrible, last-minute, beggar costume. What affectionate of Unfit For Social Interaction alloy goes to a action dressed as a Russian Hooker acclimation of Gandhi? SMH. And now you and your good-smelling antiperspirant and amazing aftereffect in gypsy applesauce are authentic me canon my sexuality? How all-around of you to accession that doozy on my already-full affliction platter.
Let’s just achieve this easier for us both: Go to Thailand, get a sex change, become admiring to women, dump your boyfriend, and… oh, whoa. Adorable crap, your feminine adequate looks in fact didn’t translate… just, uh, whoa. Not in fact my business, but maybe next time you shouldn’t let a twelve-year-old with a photocopied M.D. from “Harvard Univercity” achieve the procedure? Maybe you just affliction up with an comatose accession of hormones and it’ll all arrangement itself out if you stop demography them? And, really, it’s not that bad — you affectionate of accessory like Joan Rivers, but just in fact hairy. But, hey, um, adequate luck with your new penis.
The Has-Unforgivably-Weird-Parents Crush
Obviously bodies don’t consistently wind up just like their parents. Otherwise, how would we admission acquired so far from our ancestors’ doubter agency to beforehand such amiable concepts as Pick-Up Artistry and Low-Carb Diets? Obviously so not the case.
However, and not to be a buzz-kill or anything, it’s annual acquainted that God about sculpts all assembly of a ancestors from the above befuddled adumbration of Primordial Ooze Genetic Play-Doh. So, yeah, your dad is a cocaine-snorting apostle who spends his chargeless time giving women unsolicited makeover admonition and accomplishing pro bono plan for rapists? And your mom is a adorable roller with a blah eye whose acquaintance ablution adverse is lined with nine adapted types of ambrosial soaps, all imprinted with cursive Bible verses? And she afflicted you and your morbidly-obese, Nascar-and-Nickelback-obsessed sister to participate in boyish pageants bold sexed-up covers of Donny and Marie tunes? And she responds to accumulated I say with, “Well… that’s okay,” as accepting I in fact allegation your abnormal mother’s faux-Seal of Approval for accepting been aloft Catholic or for accepting ashamed of clowns? You, sir, seem pretty acclimatized — all things considered, I abject — so charm don’t crop this personally. It’s just that I may afresh be absence boondocks and enrolling in astronaut training academy so that I don’t admission to allocation so abounding as a planet with your baleful Satan abettor anytime again. One babyish footfall for (wo)man, one behemothic apprenticed for (hu)mankind.
The Hollywood-(Not A)-Hunk Crush
The collection itself isn’t the problem. Every affecting accepting — and from your apprenticed compassionate of herpetology, even complete reptiles — will at some point beforehand a Hollywood crush. The affliction is that owning up to your authentic attraction would leave you ostracized. Cast from affiliation like a leper with an acid bristles and a Farmville addiction.
You’re appropriately afflicted to anguish in blackout with your abandon for Steve Buscemi. You go underground. You watch Ghost World with the accumulated affronted down every night afore bed. You beforehand a solid business accordance with the middle-aged developed from Office Depot (Shout out to Deirdre!) because you’ve purchased dozens of inkjet cartridges to book screenshots from Boardwalk Empire. You bandage the print-outs to places that no one will see, such as the axial covering of your diet annual and the abject of your coffee table. You altercate yourself that, because it looks eerily affiliated to Steve Buscemi’s lips, maybe Spam will in achievement aftereffect awesome. You accomplishment a Spam can, able it open, adeptness in, and shakily lift a block to your mouth. You bulge up. Almost like the complete deal, right? Fleshy. Salty. And vomit-inducing for anyone who adeptness be so adverse to ahead or, blueblood forbid, attestant the abnormal act. Sorry, humanity.
The Out-of-Your-League Crush
Look, Mom, the “most women are allegedly too ashamed to admission him” action is a myth, just like Zeus, accepting AIDS from toilet seats, and accompanying orgasms. Beautiful girls in fact altercate themselves at him all the time. Literally. They, like, jump off trampolines and go hurtling through the air. And he afresh catches, with incomparable developed grace, ceremony of their altogether tanned/toned aerialist bodies with his accoutrements that are like timberline trunks, alone bogus of Kobe Beef. Afresh while his Fabio locks brawl in the breeze like delicious, brittle udon noodles, he and his army of ladies apprenticed digest a saddled horse, which gallops off into the watercolor sunset. And etc. I’ve credible it, Mom. Trust me.
And you apperceive all too able that if I accustomed to jump off a trampoline and into those meat-tree arms, I’d allegedly just get my finger-like toes angled in the trampoline’s springs and abatement backwards and hit my aback on a rock, and afresh the corruption horse would abate over and blast me in the accomplished and I’d wind up with absent-mindedness just like Michelle in that chance of Full House, or bedfast just like the guy in the bedfast parking signs. Yeah, so accepting a lot, Mom. Great advice. Great. Advice.
The Guy-With-Girlfriend Crush
You strut into the bar, sit down, acclimation a booze… or is the aberant analysis a boo? Anyway, you attainable the classic of The Weekly World News that you bought on Ebay. You actuate annual about how some archeologist in Germany credible Hitler’s pickled penis in a jar. You’re action adequate today, and so you actuate basal a little carol in your head: Hitler’s penis in a jar/something something Volkswagen car. You sip from your alcohol. You actuate to hum. And afresh like a allowance from the muses of melody, a adherent approaches. Handsome as heck. And — brace yourself — Hotty Hot Face is aswell nice, funny, smart, and seems in fact captivated in audience about how Karl Marx alone went on to dream up “Communism” afterwards he was ousted from The Marx Brothers for abnormal able comedic timing. Jackpot.
Then affliction strikes. Afterwards an hour of chatting about conspiracies and the time you activate a algid metal commodity in your ear that may admission in fact been an adverse implant or allocation of a broken earring, your abutting bedmate will let boner something like, “Oh yeah, we admission a accession of History Channel UFO shows on DVD at our apartment.” You’ll afresh ask, in vain, if the baldheaded guy sitting on the added accessory of him is his roommate, but no. What Babyish Boy meant to say is that he and his alarming developed not alone accept together, eat together, and beddy-bye together, but allegedly actualization tin antipode hats and acclimate for the rapidly-approaching End of Canicule together. Dang. It. All.
You’ll ambition to achieve a abuse about how guys with girlfriends should be afflicted to sew a appliance on their clothes so that anybody knows they’re taken. But don’t. Afresh it’d get even added awkward because he’d be all, “What is this, Nazi Germany?” And you’d accessory like an anti-Semite and admission to abscond to South America, breadth you’d be afflicted to attack for men with the cast of Gisele and Shakira.
Just beat it off. Now is the time to acclimation accession Bacardi Breezer and admission the achievement that Mr. Hunk’s adherent is allegedly prettier than you, added marriageable, and below adequate to blot her canicule traveling to bedfast alone and basal songs about absolutist dictators. Aswell admission that she’s allegedly an actress, gourmet chef, or arise columnist who in her chargeless time volunteers teaching adequate agronomics techniques, or does matchmaking for lovelorn refugees, or something. Beautiful. Your job is hardly noteworthy, and the alone beforehand plan you’ve anytime done is teaching underprivileged accouchement to abode so that they can wind up creatively — and sexually — frustrated, unemployable adults who do accidental beforehand plan to abstruse themselves from action like their achievement is in fact worthless, and from the semi-subconscious accepting that they don’t deserve to be happy, which drives them to accompany alone in fact unattainable adventuresome partners.
So yeah, whatever, see if I care, Guy with Girlfriend. I’ll just accept to abode my songs and kiss abridged meats and apprehend tabloids and abjure circuses and chafe alarming Halloween accoutrement and not accordance with any of my birthmark issues. So there. Crop that. Admission fun accepting well-adjusted and in a advantageous relationship. And, um, hey, adequate luck with your penis?
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