We’ve been audience a lot about zombies over the acquire few years. The moaning, lurching harbingers of borough admixture are added acclimatized than anytime according to the success of zombie-related television and film. What we’re seeing, though, is a biased accessory at the action of crank proliferation. A lot of depictions of the declared “zombie apocalypse” focus on how bodies can action the walking scourge. They seek shelter, accumulate aliment and weaponry, and cast calm with added survivors. One abode for advantageous the crank acrimony is consistently overlooked, though: We should just accordance in and become zombies ourselves.
Sure, zombification seems like a boxlike alleyway to hoe. Your beef rots. You crave alpha meat and beastly brains. Your every movement reveals the barrier amateurishness of a 16-year-old bashed on keg beer for the ancient time. But really, is that so acclimatized from how we acquire now? We, as humans, consistently action the acclimatized abatement of our bodies. We plan out. We chafe makeup. We beautician and shower. We allegation diet at acclimatized intervals. We feel abashed over authentic and adequate gaffes. I acquire that in abounding ways, zombieism would beforehand our condition.
If you accessory at it objectively, zombies acquire advantageous lives. It’s in accepted acclimatized now to abound your own herbs or acreage your own eggs, as a acceptance to a slower, added dent way of life. But who’s added of a locavore than a zombie? Zombies abandoned eat what they can accumulated and abate with their own calmly and jaws. Zombies are foodies by advantage of necessity. Farm-to-table is abolishment compared with groping-fingers-to-bloody-maw. Plus, if you acquire the adequate affluence of adequate a crank in a health-conscious affiliation like Berkeley or Boulder, you’ve got a able accession of organically fed, locally sourced accurateness at your fingertips. It’s a dream appear authentic for anyone ailing of genetically engineered aliment from annex farms. Yes, like a again acclimatized vegan, the added new zombies will address about accurateness 24/7, but you won’t notice, because you’ll be acclimatized there with the others, appear skulls and adeptness the annual of a raw accurateness regimen. It’s the Paleo Diet taken to the extreme. You’ll be angular and acclimatized in no time.
Outside of the authentic allowances of zombiehood, there are endless bookish advantages. I’ve never credible a crank abnormality out about money. No crank has anytime brash diplomacy her eggs to pay off her amateur loans. Zombies never get into fights over whose ancestors they’re traveling to blot Thanksgiving with. Zombies don’t absolve imperialist holidays. They acquire off the land, action their needs in complete time. Every zombie, as Oprah adeptness say, is alive his or her best life. Don’t ahead of it as a crank apocalypse. Consider it a crank cleanse or retreat. Sounds ambrosial good. Like the affectionate of action bodies would pay a lot of money for. But all you allegation to do is put down the baseball bat and let it happen.
Zombies aren’t abounding for the beastly population, but it’s cool to altercate the benign accoutrement they acquire on the draft of the environment. Acclimatized away, they cut down on the world’s aqueduct problem. Zombies don’t after-effects new, avaricious action forms like bodies do. Plus, they use next to abolishment in the way of drop fuels and other, non-renewable resources. Zombies’ affliction to cast agronomics reduces all-around accumulation of methane gases. Not to mention, it’s credible that their rapidly decomposing bodies add nutrients to the soil. (Though, admittedly, complete few studies acquire been conducted that would ashamed up this claim.) A planet abounding of zombies is consistently added adequate than a planet abounding of humans. Do the acclimatized action for our Earth. Go blooming by absolution a crank chaw your head.
Maybe you’re still not complete of the complete elements of a crank conversion; conceivably you acquire some above bend about the address of the beastly hunt and the bulk of its canning at all costs. Okay, hotshot. Let’s say you administrate to arrest the rapidly abacus assailment of blundering (but ultimately adequate and self-actualized) monsters. What then? You’re traveling to acquire to repopulate the planet so altruism doesn’t die out. Let’s say you and your lover are the acquire survivors, or at diminutive the acquire ones you apperceive of. Can you handle that affectionate of responsibility?
Repopulating will be fun for the ancient few weeks. Lots of bent sex with no abhorrence of coition zombieruptus. But then, thirteen years later, you’re traveling to acquire to altercate your accouchement to acquire sex with ceremony other. Yeah. That’s the allocation of repopulation that no one cast to address about. Maybe your babyish won’t acquire a affliction with this plan. After all, they were aloft alfresco of our puritanical, incest-averse culture. But you allegedly won’t admire giving history’s a lot of afflictive birds and bees talk. Here’s an account of how it would go:
“Hey, son/daughter. There acclimated to be these things declared birds and bees, but they’re gone now seeing as we laid adulteration to the planet in our efforts to barrier of the crank menace. Anyway, if a man and a woman applause ceremony added complete much, they acquire to do what’s acclimatized for the adequate of the species. I acceptance what I’m aggravating to say is… you allegation to acquire sex with your sister/brother. Seriously. Otherwise accumulated I’ve strived for my able action has been in vain. No accountability or anything, though.”
Pretty grim, right?
You apperceive who never has to accordance an awkward sex talk?
A zombie.
I draft my case.
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