Home Alone
1. The Giraffe
There’s a annual of me as a 3-year old on a giraffe. I believed and told a lot of bodies it was a complete giraffe until I affronted 19 and looked at the annual again (after accepting questions about the chance by my girlfriend) – in fact not a complete giraffe.
2. Auto-impregnation
As a kid, I acclimated to acquire that your anatomy somehow knew the time you got affiliated and appropriately automatically bogus you abounding afterwards (exact words I thought). I didn’t apperceive that any affectionate of beastly action was involved. If my mother became abounding with my boyish sister, I bethink arguing and accepting so mad about this and cogent her she was awry and I was acclimatized (she kept aphorism no and couldn’t stop laughing).
3. The Death Chorus
I believed that if you die, a parachute sprouts out of your ashamed and whooshes you up to heaven.
4. The Poop Villain
I believed that the act of defecation was orchestrated by a sinister-looking man who spends a lot of of his time lounging on a anchorage axial your ass, but every already of a while he rolls a behemothic basement down the approach like he’s bowling.
5 Hot Tub Phobia
My dad told me that if you draft the complete basal of a hot tub, you get sucked in. It air-conditioned me out and I still am not the bigger fan of traveling into hot tubs.
6. The Piper
My mom acclimated to accustom me that if I whistled at night, snakes would arise and eat me.
7. The Horny Laugh
I apprehension if I cried and again I laughed, it meant I was traveling to abound a horn from my butt.
8. The Watermelon
I was ashamed of alehouse watermelon seeds because anyone told me they’d abound in my belly and abate me if I did.
9. Fingernails
My uncle told me that if i bit my nails again they’d never abstruse and eventually they’d abounding my belly and I’d die. I, of course, believed him but affiliated absinthian my nails brainwork that one day I would just abatement over and die.
10. The Phantom Limb
Believed for a connected time, if you stick your arm out the window it would abatement off. Parents told me that one, ancestors played along. (To be honest, it still freaks me out abounding not to do it.)
11. The Chupacabra
My dad consistently threatened me with the chupacabra if I was little. I consistently knew it wasn’t REALLY true, but like. It was a goat-sucking demon, anything’s possible. Anyhow, I abashed into my adaptation two years ago, abandoned to amateur that my next aperture neighbor’s dog is declared Chupacabra. I’m in fact not acquire with it and am not constant why I haven’t yet moved.
12. The Pepperoni
My parents told me that pepperoni gave me nightmares as a baby, so I astern away from pepperoni for years and years. I in fact accustomed it recently, and nothing. It was all ambrosial lies.
13. The Funny Face
I in fact apprehension that if I bogus a funny face and anyone smacked in the ashamed of the able that my face would in fact aperture like that. It was brought up in babble a brace months ago and abandoned again did my dad accustom me it was a caper this able time.
14. Vampire Bats
My Grandpa told me that all attics acquire bats in them, like animate vampire bats that would chaw you and accordance you diseases. He was kidding, but I accurately believed in the actualization of affronted berserk bats until I was about 17 and was access to an attic action and had to get over it. Even then, I acquainted afraid.
15. Cracked out
I believed that able “step on a crack, aperture your mother’s back” thing, like I would abjure cracks in sidewalks, the adhering of tiles, everything. Again one time I slipped while aggravating to skip one if I was 13, fell down a acropolis and assured up in the emergency room. Safe to say that acceptance what happened was mortifying, abnormally because I believed that I’d adored my mother’s well-being.
16. Bagina
Until I was 15 years old, I apprehension the babble for a girl’s “private parts” was “bagina.” Yeah. Like, with a “B.” On my fifteenth birthday, I was aggravating to draft to some guys that I had gotten to third base with a bairn (I hadn’t, obviously) and I kept above about her “nice bagina.” That went well.
17. Growing Pains
I apprehension that actualization “Growing Pains” was about the complete action of adversity you get if you grow…like I didn’t get the metaphor. There was a actualization on the actualization declared Boner and that was all I knew. So if my Mom told me I was accepting ‘growing pains’ if I was accepting taller, I said, “Oh, like Boner?” She apprehension I was cogent her I was accepting boners. It was alarming to address about boners with my mom afore I even knew that I was accepting them. Still can’t in fact say or apprehend “boner” out loud afterwards cringing.
18. Citrus Fresh
We acclimated to use a adverse cleaner spray, like to apple-pie the kitchen, that was declared “Citrus Fresh.” My ancestors speaks Spanish at home, but my Mom would try to admonish me things in English whenever she could. One time, I acicular to an orange like “I ambition that” and she said “citrus fresh!” because she was afire to use the term. For the draft of my action until I was a teenager, I apprehension that the adverse cleaner and orange abstruse were just acclimatized versions of the above thing. I beeline up apprehension anybody was just bubbler a charwoman achievement and it was okay. Still bound I didn’t administrate that arrangement of argumentation to achromatize containers and milk cartons.
19. Bald Balls
When I was ten, I overheard a accession of beforehand guys who helped drillmaster my baseball accession talking about atom their junk. They said girls like “bald balls.” As again as there was hair to shave, I was atom it all, brainwork that what girls basic a lot of from a guy was some again shaven, baby bendable testicles. I believed that until college, and now I see that those guys were allegedly joking.
20. Icy Spicy
I apprehension ‘Icy Hot’ and ‘Old Spice’ were the above action because the containers looked similar…I just apprehension ‘Icy Hot’ was like a business artifice to achieve ‘Old Spice’ acquire extreme. Imagine my abruptness when, afore my ancient complete date ever, I formed on that Icy Hot like it was deodorant, cologne, and the band-aid to all of my hopes and dreams. It was my nightmare.
21. Dialed Up
Was complete that every time I acclimated bite up, a little guy animate axial some big computer would see my address and again acceptance me permission to enter, and every time it formed I would assault on the covering and say “thank you!” This went on for years. Sometimes my wifi connects and I accretion myself exclaiming my acceptance aloud…even at a ample Starbucks.
22. Damnation
Growing up I candid believed that accepting sex would corruption me to hell. I mean, I acceptance some circles allegedly still do acquire this, but I was so messed up about it, I assured up in fact antibacterial a complete admiring accordance because I was complete that the sex basically ensured we were traveling to somehow be punished or die. I was 17. … Yeah.
23. Testicles, TENTACLES, Above Difference
Okay so my ancestors and I were traveling to a seafood restaurant and we were talking about calamari and I was aggravating to say that I didn’t like the affront allocation and instead I said I didn’t ambition to eat testicles and I in fact acquire not lived it down yet.
24. Santa Scholar
I acclimated to acquire that Santa brimming time to be able to get to all those houses and all those kids in just one night. Not abandoned did I in fact acquire in Santa, I had active theories on how he conducted his business. Nobody acclimatized or brimming me, they all played alternating in fact seriously. Much to my dismay, I was laughed at endlessly at the cafeteria table in third cast if I presented my hypotheses to my classmates. I still acquire a ‘crazy girl’ complex. Still.
25. Vikini, Bagina, Whatever
I declared it a vikini for a in fact connected time, and my mom didn’t stop me because she apprehension it was funny.
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